For those who don’t know, an ally means someone who takes particular action to support a person or a group or both. For instance, if an able-bodied person complains about a building inaccessible to those with disabilities, a person might be considered an ally. No two people with disabilities agree on all the traits that make someone a good ally, but most of us agree that listening to us is an essential part.
Unfortunately, some people with good intentions forget to listen to our needs before trying to help us. This often results in awkward and unsafe situations. Recently, my fiance, who is legally blind, asked a movie theater employee, “where can I get the popcorn?” The employee answered by grabbing her cane and pulling her toward the concession stand, him on one end of the cane and her on the other. The experience led her to feel disoriented, and frustrated.
Checking in with a person before offering help is important. Asking how you can best be of help is also imperative to assure that the help is actually helpful.
Remember, if a person doesn’t require assistance at the moment, they might appreciate your help at a later date. While walking with my friend one Halloween night, I tripped and fell. When I asked my friend why he didn’t offer to guide me through the darkness, he replied, “you said that you didn’t need assistance six months ago when I offered.”
Besides knowing that a person's need for assistance may vary from day to day. I suggest not offering assistance out of guilt. I have been assisted by people who are impatient with the task we are doing. What they saw as helping me was really them helping themselves save time. For someone already a bit ashamed about asking for so much assistance, having someone complaining about the errands we are running makes me feel guilty for asking in the first place.
However, I do believe it’s appropriate to be honest with the person asking for help before the task. Asking the person for things like gas money for a ride or telling them about your bad shoulder that prevents you from assisting them with moving is extremely helpful to me. Like I said before, most people want to feel like they are not being a burden on others. Honest communication is essential to creating a helping relationship in which one person doesn’t feel like a burden and the other doesn’t feel like a savior.
Voices & Stories Want to offer help? Ask first (and keep asking)
By Jacob Lesner-Buxton • Posted on October 19, 2022
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[0] => Array
(
[id] => 29
[date] => 2021-08-30
[status] => Active
[new] =>
[title] => A Housing Consumer Success Story
[author] => Petra Lowen, Community Living Advocate
[article] => Our Community Living Advocate in Santa Barbara has worked with a consumer since 2017. He has been homeless since that time, sometimes sleeping on a couch at a friend’s apartment, sometimes sleeping in his car or just on the street. In 2017 we helped him sign up for all the waiting lists for subsidized housing that he was eligible for. We explained that the wait is typically several years long. We always let him know when a new opportunity for affordable housing came up. Finally in March of 2021 the consumer had reached the top of the City of Santa Barbara Housing Authority section 8 waiting list and received a voucher. This was a major milestone but the housing market in Santa Barbara is currently extremely tight, meaning there are very few apartments available that are under the current housing standard of $2015 for a 1-bedroom apartment. The ACC made multiple housing referrals from rental lists. Then the consumer on his own found a landlord who was willing to accept his voucher. Unfortunately, the Housing Authority turned it down because it did not meet their criteria. By this point, two months had passed and the Housing Authority gave him a 2-month extension. The ACC made more housing referrals. Then the consumer received a call that there was an opening at the Bradley Studios, a property built by the Housing Authority. The consumer was familiar with the property and was more than happy to accept the offer. He moved into the apartment in late June and is now more or less settled. He finally has stability in his life and can take care of several pressing health issues that require him to have secure housing for recovery. It has made a huge difference in his life.
)
[1] => Array
(
[id] => 25
[date] => 2021-02-24
[status] => Active
[new] =>
[title] => Computers Are Crucial to Connection
[author] => Anonymous
[article] => Mr Romero received his computer in January and has been using it for a month. Before COVID 19, he did not have a use for a computer, just his phone. He could go and meet people in person. Now, he uses the computer to join meetings with other veterans and join classes with other service providers. He called his computer my ’best friend.’ Mr. Romero is so grateful that he is able to share this life experience with friends. He suggests our programs to other people with disabilities in need. Because of this program, he feels his overall well-being has drastically improved; he now has a connection with the outside world that he did not have prior to receiving his computer.
Testimonial from M. Romero, a Simi Valley resident and consumer of Jaydon Gaines - Community Living Advocate
)
[2] => Array
(
[id] => 8
[date] => 2022-10-19
[status] => Active
[new] =>
[title] => Can we make independence society's default setting?
[author] => Jacob Lesner-Buxton
[article] => It seems like every time I fly, I always run into one or two airport staff who are surprised I am traveling by myself. “Are you traveling with anyone?” is a question I get from many TSA agents. Once, a flight attendant asked me if I needed her to wait for my parents to pick me up. She was speechless when I told her I had lived alone for many years.
Due to heightened airport security, I am careful what I say when dealing with the airport staff. Sometimes I want to come back with a snappy retort like, yes, I am traveling with Leroy Moore. Leroy has done groundbreaking advocacy at the intersection of disability rights, racial justice, and hip hop. I would love for other people with disabilities to drop his name to TSA agents, too. That might just get them curious enough to look up his name on their next lunch break.
But instead of hoping the staff gets my sarcasm, there may be other ways to encourage staff at airports (and in other industries) to see those with disabilities as capable of being independent through education and training.
I often encounter situations where I am surprised that people don’t grasp that I make my own decisions. For instance, a government agency that assists me with living independently never fails to offer to invite my parents to meetings about my services. That agency also asks to speak to my parents when they wish to know the quality of their services.
After complaining for two years about the program and requesting to talk to my parents, I got a call from the person running the survey. He explained that several parents got mad at the researchers for talking to their offspring without their knowledge, so that is why they decided to ask for them.
There’s a simple solution to the problem of asking to meet with a 39-year-old's parent that will appease both parties. Staff could be trained only to bring up the client's parents if they are A. a minor or B. under conservatorship.
Although it might sound like this issue is simply a pet peeve, I continue to feel the consequences of living in a society where some policymakers don’t view people with disabilities as independent. Recently California started a program that gives certain people with disabilities a budget to hire individuals to assist them with activities like daily living or teaching them yoga or how to use the computer. It used to be providers had to go through a lengthy approval process for the state to pay food their services.
While this program sounds great, California requires a person with a disability to pay $140 a month per service to a company to cut checks to the people assisting me. The money comes from the budget given to me by the state.
While this requirement might help some, others should have the option to forgo working with the company and be able to issue checks directly. I would rather sit through a class to learn how to do payroll instead of paying $300 for a company to do HR for two or three employees.
Ironically, it's easy to make policymakers and others understand how independent I am. I can count on two fingers the number of people who didn’t acknowledge my independence when I asked them to do so. Making someone understand that I am capable is some of the easiest work I have ever done as an advocate.
Although I understand that being a cis-gendered white man plays a role in how people perceive me, if more people with disabilities are demanded to be seen as capable of making decisions, society may see independence as the norm rather than the expectation.
Each time we tell a server that we can order for ourselves or a doctor that we can make our own decision, we contribute to making independence the main characteristic people associate with those with disabilities.
Photo of Jacob Lesner-Buxton talking to his God Uncle, former State
Assemblyman and LBGTQ rights activist Tom Ammiano, in his office
in Sacramento.
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